Deeply in love

The subject of past loves and past lovers is tricky to deal with, especially with an age difference and an experience difference like the one between S and I. However, this video does a beautiful and heart-tuggingly wonderful job of describing how past loves can enrich and prepare you for your current relationship. Everything, good and bad, prepares you for now, for this time. Your past is part of your present and together they prepare you for your future.

I recently told S how amazed I was at how love is like a bottomless well and every time I think I’ve touched down, I realize there is more and more to discover further on down the line. Love breeds love. It isn’t a finite resource, on the contrary, the more you love, the more you love.

Don’t worry, be happy

ImageSelf confidence is a tricky beast.  I am having a hard time with ‘faking it till you make it’ because all of the doubts are creeping in.  It’s really not easy to ignore them.  The questions that should not even be asked are clamouring for answers.  Much to the contrary of what is actually happening in my life – the voices seed doubts that don’t have any basis in reality.  I want to verbalize them and ask S all these questions that would only validate my insecurities. What happens if I don’t give them voice?  Can I ignore them enough that they will just all go away?  It feels so false to not express what is dying to be said.  Is that what the ‘fake it’ part refers to? I don’t even want to write out the questions as that would only acknowledge their validity.

S doesn’t live too much in his head and that is something I could learn to do better.  Just enjoy the present and life and don’t over-analyse what is going on.  Be aware, but refrain from future-tripping.  We know if and when we are happy and so why bog yourself down with worries about what might and might very likely not ever come to pass.  Things are going well – don’t fuck it up by over-thinking.  Just enjoy the happiness we bring to each others’ lives.


Holding hands by D Sharon Pruitt

What makes a healthy relationship?

Unexpectedly, but quite happily, I have found myself in a new relationship.  It’s new, exciting and fun.  We are taking things as they happen and just going with the flow for the most part.  One of the things I am most happy about as the healthy habits that we are instinctively falling into without even trying.   Our meals together are mostly home-made, healthy, and yummy.  Some of our dates have included going running together, others have included working on our computers together getting our personal projects done.  There have also been movies, lots of movies.

I used to think that a healthy relationship is one with open and honest communication.  Obviously, that is important, but the small habits that you form together really do make up your life. It is one thing to support those efforts with cheerleading, it is another completely to live them together. I am focusing this year on living a more healthy life, full of energy, happiness, gratitude and positivity.  So far, the habits that we are forming together will help me with those goals and that fills me gratitude and happiness already.

Holding hands by D Sharon Pruitt

Optimist and Realist

Things have been pretty crappy overall for at least the past two years.  At the same time some awesome things have gone down.  I am choosing to focus on the positive and be grateful for the good things in my life.  I feel that if I don’t do that, I will drown in the negative.  This isn’t to say that I am not accepting the bad shit.  I am not denying it.  I let myself feel sad, feel angry, feel depressed, etc.  But, I also feel happy, excited, nervous and grateful. Sort of like how 2012 was really difficult for many many people, but overall, it was one of the better years in human history.

I cannot tell other people how to feel or act, but I know what seems to be working for me.  Being open and vulnerable has opened me up to support from friends both near and far that I wouldn’t have received if I had just shut down I am wont to do.    I am trying to crowd out the negative voices in my head and accept compliments and maybe even believe them.  I need to project an aura of confidence both personally and professionally and if that requires me to ‘fake it till I make it’ then so be it.  This next year is ripe for change and progress and I need to make it happen.

Living without fear

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -M. Williamson

This quote showed up in my inbox this morning via Nicole Kellerman and boy did it resonate. Living small is something I try to do.  I have always been a ‘big girl’ and so try to take up as little physical space as possible as I try to lessen my impact. I hunch my shoulders, turn my arms in, etc. I am learning that I need to take up MOAR SPACE as I collect myself and gather up self-confidence / self-esteem.  It’s going to take conscious practice, but as I try to take up less physical space by exercising and eating well, I will try to take up more emotional space as I open my shoulders, stick out my chest and be present in life.

Self confidence is something that I struggle with.  I know I am not alone in that one.  I have a hard time accepting compliments and easily dismiss people’s positive opinions of me and give weight to negative ones.  I know I am not alone in that one either.  Chris Hardwick over on the Nerdist podcast seems to suffer from PTSD from abusive internet comments.  Luckily, I have never had to deal with that, but still it seems we humans give much more weight to one negative comment or off-hand remark than to compliments.

I have let fear rule my life in many ways.  I believe that I have been overweight almost my entire life out of fear of what would happen if I was a normal weight because of bad shit that happened early on.  That has given those fuckers way too much power and influence in my life all these years later.  I am going to consciously work on living without fear, but I know it won’t be easy or quick.

Today, I am starting yet another 90-days challenge for healthy living via reddit.  I keep on signing up and stating goals, but not fulfilling them, however I am kept more on track because I have signed up than if I hadn’t.  As I recently pulled my calf muscle on my right leg, I won’t be running as I want that to heal up completely so I can get back out there.  Instead I will do the P90 system videos at home and work on myself that way.  Then when I am all healed up, I’ll get back out there and pound the pavement with my new running shoes that I have yet to break in.

Scary thoughts

I wonder if I will ever find a partner again and the answer is probably yes, but it’s a bit scary to contemplate and ponder.  I don’t like being on my own – never have and as the youngest of four children I grew up among lots of people and have lived with room-mates and so being in this big house by myself is a bit much. At least I have three cute cats to keep me company.  When you think you have it all sorted out and then everything gets flipped on its head and all your plans get pulled, it’s scary.

A couple of recent realizations lately have made me cry.  One – I don’t feel like I have a person anymore who I can turn to who really gets me.  That used to be my husband, but it’s not a good idea to sort through my shit with him as I used to.  Our relationship has changed and while we’re on friendly terms and he really wants to help me out, I don’t think it would be good.  Two – I am afraid I will be ‘forever alone’.  That’s a scary thought and probably not true and I know that almost everyone searches for their perfect partner so I am not alone in this feeling, but it still sucks.  The fear might be worse than the actual fact of being alone.

I don’t have anyone I can turn to who really gets me because I don’t let people in very much and being vulnerable is difficult, and scary.  I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t want to make people uncomfortable as I try to sort through my life.  I think I have to open up more.

I also don’t know how to deal with trying to navigate dating in Argentina and am not sure if I even want to. Figuring out my own shit might be more important right now. The cultural differences and my own personality quirks might not make this the easiest of propositions.  I am generally honest, blunt and hate playing games.  I also suck at flirting.

Pica having a nap


Life is uncertain these days as I try to figure out what I want to do, where I want to be, who I want to be, and how I want to live.  These aren’t easy questions to ponder and I don’t feel that I am doing a very good job of discovering the answers, but at least I am asking the hard questions.

What I am focusing on lately is gratitude and being actively grateful for the good things in my life – here’s a short list:

  • I have wonderful friends who have been extremely supportive during the break-up of my marriage and who help me fulfill my potential and figure out just what the hell that is.
  • I have a beautiful and rambunctious new kitten who is a bundle of cute and joy, who lifts my spirits and cracks me up.
  • I live in a beautiful home in a fantastic city full of amazing opportunities.
  • I am passionate about photography and I am lucky enough to be able to pursue this line of work.
  • I have a beautiful family even if I don’t get to see them in person as much as I would like, we have Skype chats and stay in contact.